I know I'm old because...

• I have no shame in going to bed at 9:30pm.
• I have to use lamaze breathing to reach my legs for shaving in the shower.
• I drive a car based on whether I'll be able to get in and out of it, not how sexy I'll look while I'm in it.
• I have to keep snacks at hand at all times or risk passing out due to low blood sugar.
• Spicy food gives me heartburn.
• I need to carry a stool to the bus stop because standing for ten minutes kills my back.
• Raking the back yard for 20 minutes has caused me 10 days of shoulder pain.
• All standing up and sitting down causes groaning noises.
• Snoring. That's all I have to say about that.
• Yesterday I discovered that I need to find a Ladies Room before I find a Dressing Room, as it appears that removing garments is the signal to my bladder that relief is in sight! I found two cute tops at Ross yesterday that didn't scream MATRONLY, although I almost peed myself in the process.
• Nothing has given me more pleasure recently than sifting dry ingredients and adding them to the wet ingredients being stirred by my stand mixer.
• Celebrities like Meg Ryan who are older than me in years, now look younger than me onscreen!
• I actually know how to buy cantelope.